The Monster
Lying on my bed, staring at the clock. It's moving, but me, I'm lying here in this one moment in time, mind is racing but there's no time to think. The thoughts in my head, like race cars speeding down the track, going right by me. I can't see them. But I see the colors, maybe even the number. But I try to slow them down. I relax my mind until I can filter the thoughts, take the time to inspect each one. The first, is of last night. Hormones racing, why so many? This doesn't happen when I'm grey. Grey is in between high and low. I'm about to touch the moon I'm so high, as I slip out the downstairs window. I think I'm going crazy, as I get in the car. And then mom calls his phone. From mine, which I left at home. So I get home and ring the door bell at one in the morning. Their voices don't even penetrate my brain, they just slip right over my forehead, and I am coming down. The high I had only minutes ago is slipping away. Slipping into sleep....
The Monster took me while I was sleeping. He's bringing me down with him. The monster is what makes me think my next thought. I look at the window. I see another kind of escape, different from the night before. A total escape; from the second floor window. As I open the window, take off the screen, I perch on the window sill, looking down , heart racing. I'm shaking. Do I really want to do this? I do, but I can't. I lay back down, until my mom comes in and I tell her. I tell her that I almost jumped out the window. Yes I want to kill myself. It's not my fault, I'm so trapped. I'm trapped inside my own skin, the mania and the monster controlling me. The high and the low programming me like a robot.
From the ER, to the ambulance was a long ride on the stretcher, mother's tears pouring down her face like there was no tomorrow. Why is she crying? I'm the one who has the problem. As they push me into the ambulance, I wave goodbye. I think about why I'm here. The monster. Why did it all start? The mania. My inability to control my impulses, and the plunges I took into the icy blue madness some call depression. You put these two together and you have Bipolar Disorder. And I knew all along but no one would listen to the one actually feeling the pain.
As I took my first steps into the Dominion Psychiatric Hospital in Falls Church, Virginia, I wasn't sure what to think. I'm now official crazy, a nut job. Yeah, I'm in the nut house. But when I woke up, I got my first dose of lithium, a powerful drug to treat bipolar disorder. And this gave me hope. Because, really, there was no where to go but up. Now, I just had to find the soul that I never had before. Who I was, just wasn't me. It was the monster, and the mania. It was madness, and I was escaping. In a way that I couldn't have even thought of without some serious help. Who am I? It was time to find out, for the first time, in 14 years.
The Monster took me while I was sleeping. He's bringing me down with him. The monster is what makes me think my next thought. I look at the window. I see another kind of escape, different from the night before. A total escape; from the second floor window. As I open the window, take off the screen, I perch on the window sill, looking down , heart racing. I'm shaking. Do I really want to do this? I do, but I can't. I lay back down, until my mom comes in and I tell her. I tell her that I almost jumped out the window. Yes I want to kill myself. It's not my fault, I'm so trapped. I'm trapped inside my own skin, the mania and the monster controlling me. The high and the low programming me like a robot.
From the ER, to the ambulance was a long ride on the stretcher, mother's tears pouring down her face like there was no tomorrow. Why is she crying? I'm the one who has the problem. As they push me into the ambulance, I wave goodbye. I think about why I'm here. The monster. Why did it all start? The mania. My inability to control my impulses, and the plunges I took into the icy blue madness some call depression. You put these two together and you have Bipolar Disorder. And I knew all along but no one would listen to the one actually feeling the pain.
As I took my first steps into the Dominion Psychiatric Hospital in Falls Church, Virginia, I wasn't sure what to think. I'm now official crazy, a nut job. Yeah, I'm in the nut house. But when I woke up, I got my first dose of lithium, a powerful drug to treat bipolar disorder. And this gave me hope. Because, really, there was no where to go but up. Now, I just had to find the soul that I never had before. Who I was, just wasn't me. It was the monster, and the mania. It was madness, and I was escaping. In a way that I couldn't have even thought of without some serious help. Who am I? It was time to find out, for the first time, in 14 years.
1 comment:
Usually I don't agree with prefaces, but I think yours is fitting and appropriate.
Very nice image, "The thoughts in my head, like race cars speeding down the track, going right by me. I can't see them. "
Again, good imagery, "I'm about to touch the moon I'm so high, as I slip out the downstairs ...".."The high and the low programming me like a robot."
Wow! This was really powerful and well written. For your next draft I would delve into some of those things that were even too hard to delve into the first time. It might be easier now (the small of the hospital, the feeling the lithium gave you, etc.)
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